I'm not crying. You're crying. 

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Yes, that period was not accidental. Was I happy during the relationships? Never (a little exaggerated). I was happy after, though (also a little exaggerated). 

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Let me explain. 

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Don't get me wrong. My relationships all have stories, and this is not to bash anyone. This section is actually all about me. You see, I had issues. From a very young age, I learned that I was not important enough to invest in. I spent my young life being a people-pleaser. I have a stack of certificates, bucket of medals, and educational resume to prove I was the ideal child. Never talked back. Always did what I was told. Straight A's, top ten percent, honor student. I guess you can say I was looking for acceptance, approval, and some affection. I do not blame my parents. I once heard someone say, Parents did the best they could with what they learned themselves, and that hit hard. It surely didn't help that they had issues also so we were all doing the best we could. 

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Needless to say, this transcended to my relationships. I married at 22, not too young, I think. But I was not ready at all. I had no idea what life was, responsibility, or raising a family. I was full of insecurities and was weak spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and even physically. I struggled a lot with my health after having my first born and could never "bounce" back to being "me" again. If I'm honest, I do not even know who I was, what I liked, what I wanted. I, in turn, idolized my relationship. What I used to do with my young self, to push to be someone valuable, I did in this relationship. I never knew who I was, what I liked, what value I had, and, most importantly, the words God said about me. I went with the flow. I hung on everything my partner said and did. Because he had his own demons, his insecurities and struggles became my own. I was bitter. I depended on what he said to me, and every word that came out of his mouth, became my truth. Soon, I found an outlet to refocus on other things. Now it wasn't certificates or medals. Now it was career changes, promotions, and recognitions. I liked being asked to promote, being able to provide for my home, taking us on vacations with "my money" made me feel valuable, like I mattered. As years passed, and I tried to find myself, in God, I realized I was so wrong. I allowed things in my marriage that were not healthy, toxic even. There were many hits of spontaneous God-seeking moments that would spiral me down a rabbit hole. If I just went with the flow, I lived in sin and allowed things in my life that felt like poison. I was slowly killing myself. If I looked for God, I felt the guilt of living a double life haunt me. I saw God so far away. I was so far away. I was so lost that I didn't know how to "fix it" except to step back, specifically step out. On 2021, I filed for divorce. 

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Never would I have thought I would have been a divorcee. I remember, at that moment I decided to walk away, being brought back to a moment in my life where I had seen a Christian singer on TV talk about being divorced. I remember liking his songs before because they talked about having joy, but after learning he had divorced, something inside me changed. As if somehow I discredited his relationship with God because of his status. Now God allowed me to see myself in his shoes. I wept knowing that God is a God that is always moving. That we do not know the restoration story of individuals. We judge not knowing their hearts, their motives, or even their plans in Christ. 

 

Man, divorce was so hard. It was the equivalent of a failing a grade, a lost promotion, a lost medal. But the only thing I wanted was to be right with God. You might ask yourself, how is divorcing getting right with God? I don't know. But at that time, that's all I could do. Walk away from something that was only "perfect" in the outside but was rotten in the inside. And thank God I did. I think it was the start of clear perspective. Like when you go on vacation to "air out" your brain and reflect on your life. Divorcing gave me a sense of clarity. 

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And then. I did it again. 

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You know when you go on vacation and then the boss calls for you to take a call? And then instead of enjoying the vacation, now you're thinking about work? So that's what I did. From not being completely healed and knowing myself, I began a relationship. Was I ready? Absolutely not. I was actually so emotionally drained that I can kind of tell you how I felt, but I think I was numb still. Kind of like when you hit your finger real hard, then you might cut yourself after and not feel it as much because it's still numb. I'm not going to lie. I went with the flow, again. Actually took the #YOLO effect. Because now the "divorcee" tag was on my forehead, ALL of the people I previously knew disappeared. Noone reached out. Noone checked on me. The people that had once said we were the "perfect" family now accused, belittled, and looked at me as if I was broken. Little did they know I was more free than ever. But moving on to a new relationship was not the smartest thing to do or wisest. 

 

And it wasn't fair to me, my partner, and my kids. It was selfish and really difficult. It was at times really, really difficult. This time, I became the provider to take care of every aspect of everything. I looked for approval, for praise, for acknowledgement. It was nice for a couple of months but then it was torture for me and him. Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy. I actually have learned so much from him. In a sense, he was who I needed to get me to this point. But we just did this at the wrong time. If it would have been in the future, maybe it would have been amazing. Only God knows what will happen in the future. 

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Does this mean my story ends here? No. It does mean that God has taken this time to make my priorities more clear, give me the opportunity to learn about my strengths, my passions, and my talents, and has allowed me to find joy in the little things. I have been able to share more memories with my siblings, my cousins, my sons. I have traveled to different destinations. I built a bucket list of places to visit. Work in mission work that I would have never imagined working in. I have learned to be content in being alone and it's a really nice feeling. Do I like being alone? Sometimes. Do I want to be alone forever? Not sure. But this time I will let God lead. This time, I will walk in wisdom and not my own understanding. This time will be different because God is leading the way. 

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For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

 

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4

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Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

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So here I am, healing. I should have done this a long, long time ago. 

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